Barry | My mom would ask me if I have a girlfriend, and if I have a boyfriend.
Barry is in his 50s, and is working in public relations for an international brand. He married his husband, Fred, in Canada 10 years ago and they have been together for over 20 years. They own a gay bar in SOHO, Hong Kong. Barry has come out to his family, friends and colleagues with one regret. Find out why he regrets not coming out to his mom before she passed away in 2002.
“When I was young, I struggled a lot on how to come out to my family. My particular dilemma was whether or not to come out to my mom and introduce my long-time partner, knowing that she didn’t have much time to live.”
Journalist: Summer Time
When I was young, I struggled a lot on how to come out to my family. Now, I am known to people in the LGBT community and I am happily married with supportive friends and inclusive colleagues.
I think, nowadays, generations strive to connect and bond with each other in a fast-moving world. You can be bold and confident away from home, but it’s a different story when you’re with your parents.
My dilemma
My mom had been battling cancer for three years. At an appointment, the doctor told us that my mom only had a few weeks left until cancer would take her away. Realising that she didn’t have much more time to live, I struggled with whether I should come out to her.
I turned to my aunt for a second opinion—she was one of the more liberal-minded individuals in the family. I came out to her and consulted her about the matter. She advised me not to ruin my image as my mom’s “favourite son.” She was convinced that my mom was a very traditional Chinese woman who wouldn’t accept my sexual orientation. She said, “You would make her die more quickly. We should just let her leave peacefully.” I listened.
Conversations with my mom
One Sunday afternoon, I invited my mom to my home along with my dad and my sister. It was a gesture for my mom. As Chinese, we believe that people who have passed away will have one last visit with their loved ones before they move on to their next life. I thought that at least she should know where I lived to “visit me” after she passed away. I also wanted her to know that I had a comfortable home and that she shouldn’t be worried about me.
During that time, Fred and I were already living together, so before they came, I hid all his stuff to make it look like I was living by myself.
“You are living with someone,” my mom said, after checking all the rooms and clearly not looking happy.
“No, it’s just me!”
“You are not living by yourself. There’s someone else living here.” She still looked upset.
“He said it’s just him,” my dad jumped in and ended our conversation.
We quickly changed the subject; however, her unhappy expression has stayed in my mind up until today. I don’t really remember the rest of the visit, but I was sure she knew and I believed she felt sad about me living with another man.
I still recall conversations I had with my mom over dinner. When I graduated from university and started working, I didn’t move back so whenever I went home for dinner, she would interrogate me. The first few times, she would ask if I had a girlfriend. For a couple of times, she would follow up by asking if I had a boyfriend.
She met Fred at last
My mom passed away within a month of the doctor’s appointment. One night several weeks later, I was woken up by noise from our stereo at 4am. I turned over to look at Fred. He was staring back at me, petrified, waiting for my reaction.
“Did you turn it on?” I asked.
“No, it was on at 3am. I got up to turn it off but I didn’t wake you. This is the second time it’s happened,” he replied.
Silence.
I got up, turned it off and then immediately dived back under the blanket.
“If you are Barry’s mom, please turn it on again,” Fred said.
I must admit that I was rather overwhelmed by the fear of her apparition taking a scary form and the apprehension of what she might possibly do to us. I closed my eyes to signal my unwillingness to connect. In hindsight, I am quite ashamed of my reaction and knew how heartbreaking this would be for her.
I drifted back to sleep.
And at 5am, I heard music again—the stereo was on. We turned it off, but it was on again at 6am.
A Taoist monk had told us that my mom would revisit from 3 to 7am that night. I was rather convinced it was her, letting us know that she was there and that she saw me with Fred. She wanted to tell me that she approved of it.
They had always known
My sister later told me that she also had a long chat with my dad after my mom passed away. My dad revealed that my mom already figured out I was gay and that they had discussed it. She was fine with it, but she was hoping that I would tell her myself. She was quite certain that I had a partner. However, if I chose to keep it from her even in her last days, she would respect my decision and pretend that she didn’t know.
I think of my mom every now and then. Several years later, I was reflecting on that weekend visit and how unhappy she looked. It then dawned on me that she was in fact looking forward to being introduced to Fred. She was upset because I was still hiding it from her.
While I felt grateful for her love and how it was much bigger than I thought, I did feel bad about the missed opportunity to take our relationship to a higher level.
“I am Barry, I am a HKer.”
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