Skittles | What it means to be gay, Chinese, and Christian all at once - 'In each of us, there is a desire to know, speak and love freely.'
The struggles of a 20-30 year-old Hongkonger who grew up in a Christian household and happens to be gay
“I often thought, “What if someone sees us? Will they think that we’re disgusting?” Am I disgusting? I saw being gay as a huge problem that needed to be solved. And now, I don’t focus so much on seeing it as a ‘problem’, although it is something that I am still working on. Self discovery and acceptance require courage and a caring community, and I was lucky enough to have both.”
Journalist: Penguine
Illustrator: Lui, Skittles
I remember in high school when I first started dating. Going out with my boyfriend seemed like a risky business. I often thought, “What if someone sees us? Will they think that we’re disgusting?”
Am I disgusting?
I was born and raised in Hong Kong, in a Christian family. Being Christian is part of my identity. Growing up I tried so hard to suppress my sexuality, simply because I wanted to be accepted. I struggled to reconcile my faith and my sexuality.
I can still recall the night when I finally had the courage to come out to my parents - it was hard, emotional and vulnerable. Wanting to move 'forward', I agreed to attend a Christian mentoring program that my parents referred me to. It didn't take long to find out that their hidden agenda was 'heterosexuality is the only way to go'. To me, the church in Hong Kong was a cage with a one model answer to sexual orientation.
Fast forward to my college years in the United States. I wanted to 'find myself' without disappointing anybody. During the day, I would attend church and fellowship meetings; at night, I would be in a stranger's bed. I thought having a partner would make me happier. I wanted to feel that sense of intimacy you have with your partner. Deep down, I just wanted someone to tell me that I’m worthy. I thought that through all these casual encounters, I would find that person. But every single time, I was left feeling more lonely, shameful and further away from God.
A turning point came when one of my Christian mentors shared his journey of being gay. When he first heard my story, he sobbed with me. "I can see and feel your pain," he said, "I can reassure you it has never been easy for me too. We all struggle with brokenness in this world, and that is why we need love and healing from others and from above." His willingness to walk with me and opening himself up shed light on my exploration of what it means to be gay, Chinese, and Christian all at once. My mentality of how I viewed my own sexual orientation slowly changed from there.
Prior to that, I saw being gay as a huge problem that needed to be solved. And now, I don’t focus so much on seeing it as a ‘problem’, although it is something that I am still working on. The desire to date is still there, but I focus more on my spirituality and my relationship with God.
I also started seeing a therapist for one-on-one counseling for a short while - it was useful but it was expensive. I couldn’t afford it in the long run. However, counseling encouraged me to become more open in talking about my thoughts and feelings. I continued to open up to the Christian community. During a retreat with a few of my close Christian friends, I was moved by the Spirit and ended up coming out to them. They were really supportive and now we have a monthly Prayer group to catch up. They didn’t judge me and always check on how I am doing. Today, I find myself supported by people that see me as a whole person. Self discovery and acceptance require courage and a caring community, and I was lucky enough to have both.
This led me to a realisation that we need to make space for people to live out their true selves. Even though homosexuality has been decriminalised in Hong Kong for almost 30 years now, there's still so much more to be done.
There are still people in my church who feel strongly about homosexuality. There was this person who told me that one of his friends turned out to be gay. He said to me, “The plain sight of him makes me hate his guts already.” There was a strong sense of hatred and disgust towards homosexuality from his words. At this point, I did not want to engage in the conversation. I simply replied, “Why do you care so much? Others' sexual orientation doesn’t really affect you. ” He told that me he didn’t understand why individuals would be attracted to people of the same sex.
Hong Kong needs more than just pride parades and regulations, but a shift in our culture. We need to open our hearts and minds to listen to the stories from the LGBTQIA community. We need to make space for people to live out their true selves. I’m hopeful that one day Hong Kong will truly embrace people of different sexual orientations.
In each of us, there is a desire to know, speak and love freely. We fight for freedom not because it is a slogan or a trend, but because it manifests the core value of what makes us humans.
My dear fellow HongKongers, the fight for freedom is a battle worth fighting for - even when it's a pain in the butt. But don't forget this, there is always a rainbow after the rain falls.
“I am Skittles, I am a HKer.”
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